Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be
involved in the world of illegal
pharmaceuticals, or "drugs". This is a
healthy concern. Knowing your kids are "high" is the first step toward
helpng
them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and
getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of
the Oriental rug.
KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child.
1. Your child's idea of a fun sport to play is:
A) tossing a pigskin ball around
B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole
C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.
2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is:
A) Bill Clinton
B) Tom Hanks
C) Charles Manson.
3. Your child's favorite hobbies include:
A) Model Rocketry
B) Baseball
C)Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into
many smaller bags.
4. Your child's pet is:
A) a puppy dog
B) a 16' python
C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.
5. Your child's breath smells like:
A) a fresh, minty mountain top
B) lunch
C) an opium den.
6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:
A) Fred and Ginger
B) Regis and Kathy Lee
C) Sid and Nancy
7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:
A) a precious metal
B) a Mexican theme park
C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.
8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table
they answer:
A) they scored a goal for their soccer team
B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test
C) they scored a dime bag and got high.
Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions above, and
consult the table below.
0 "C's"- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren't that
exciting either. Kick
them out of the house and force them to live on the
cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in
all it's
murkiness.
1-3 "C's"- Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain. Put a
flashlight up to their face and
flash it in their eyes. This doesn't really
tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of
fun.
3-6 "C's"- You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie on your
hands. Your child is a menace to society
and must be dealt with accordingly.
We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate
all
their stash and send it to Ooze.
7-8 "C's"- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at
them and slink out of the house. Never
return.
